I have... just this morning. It was my son, who rewarded a request by me with a big, loud, whiny "Aaaaaaaaw, I don't want toooooo." It had been the fifth "I don't want to" this morning. I'd been running around like a mad woman, trying to get things ready, so I could run my errands. I did the worst thing I could have done in this situation. I got really close to his face and said (in a rather rude tone), "I am sick and tired of your whining. Now get with it." My son, who is the nicest boy in the world, and who honestly tries to please me all the time, stared at me with wide eyes. I clearly hurt him deeply. I could see it in his eyes, his body leaning away from me, and even though I felt bad inside, I couldn't get myself to apologize. I did later, and fortunately my son doesn't hold a grudge. Good boy.
A little later, I was sitting in my car on my way to Goodwill to drop of the 15th load of junk (moving is awesome), I couldn't help thinking about this little scene from this morning. And because I can't just let things go, I thought of the other people in my life, that I've hurt... There are a few. Acquaintances, friends, and people very close to me. I never meant to. Heck, if I could change it all, I would. Alas, I cannot.
I did apologize to a woman I hurt a few years back. I wrote a note to her on Facebook. But she never replied. I suppose she is not over it.
I always apologize when I know I hurt someone. Because I never do it on purpose, especially not to those people I love dearly. I do hope that they know. I hope they understand that I didn't mean to, that I'm very truly sorry for hurting them. I do hope they know, that I spend much time thinking about it, wishing I could somehow make it go away. I do hope they know that my friendship is not less meaningful, that I love them and care for them.
I apologized to my little boy today. He gave me one of those big bear hugs only he can give, and planted a big, wet kiss on my cheek. He said, "You're the best mom in the whole entire universe." I think I am forgiven. :)
Oh, Ute . . . I have so been there. End of my rope, reacting, knowing it was wrong and not able to say I'm sorry just yet. It sucks. But we're all human and sadly, it happens. You are a good person and a wonderful mom. Anyone who truly knows you knows that. (((((big hugs))))) from me, too.
ReplyDeleteFunny you should ask...... and it was a similar-ish situation with my son too.... Mine was worse...so bad I can't share "out loud..." And what I did whipped my boy into shape so fast ...it scared him to tears.... and yet, I am afraid if I apologize, it will open up something better left forgotten.... (But I do feel the need to explain what I did was wrong and I should never do it again....) I'm kind of stuck...and mortified....
ReplyDeleteThere is a legacy of anger going back at least a couple of generations in my family that I seem hell-bent on not letting go of....and yet I know it's so bad for my children....
I think my son and I both need anger management....