Home is where the heart is...

When I was a child we had these albums we'd give to people to write poems into. The idea was to have as many poems as possible... and a memory of all of your best friends, family, and even teachers. :) I pulled out my album this morning. It's light blue with a big white heart. Inside the heart stands a little girl, arms folded on her chest. She is looking down quizzically at a boy kneeling next to her, gazing at her admirably.

Inside, poem after poem, little pieces of wisdom and photos of long gone friends (some of whom I found again on Facebook), one from my grandma who died in '95... and one from my mom. I find it almost ironic that my mom of all people would write into my album that home is not necessarily where you grew up, but where your heart is. Because years later she was the one to gently push me away from home... not just in the neighborhood, but across the world, onto a different continent altogether. I know she did so with a heavy heart. She misses me as much as I miss her and my dad and my brother...

All of this is over 11 years ago. Yes, I do miss them. I hate that I can't be there for carnival in February or for the wine fests in September. I would love to be able to just walk to my parents' house and hang out for a while.
And while I lived in Arizona, had you asked me if I would pack up my family and move back to Germany, I would have probably said yes.

But here in Oregon I definitely did find my new home... I feel like I belong here. I love the the four seasons, my mountain that on a good day I can see in the distance. I love to have the beach nearby. I love hiking and berry picking, and weird Portland people. I love my friends and family. I have the very best friends here. I cannot possibly imagine living anywhere else. It's here that I learned what true friendship is... through highs and lows. Oregon is home. And I hope it always will be.

Peace

Random Ramblings

I'm sitting on a miniature chair of the nursery at our homeschool community. My son is playing with two little friends, and my daughter is in her Minstrels and Melodies class. And I feel like writing. Not sure what yet, but I'll come up with stuff.

1) I had a weird dream last night. I was on the run. Not sure what or who I was running away from. At some point I was able to take a break and checked into a small hotel. I sat in the lobby and noticed some books. I picked up one of them and realized that one of them was one of my books that has yet to be published, but in this lobby it was already a bestselling book. I was thrilled to see it, because for some reason I thought that now all I had to do was finish my book and sell it. After all it was on the market already. Don't understand? No worries, I don't either.

2) I woke up from this odd dream, tossed and turned in my bed and went back to sleep. And slipped right into the next weird dream. I was in a pool, swimming to the edge, but could never quite reach it. I swam and swam, and the edge never did come closer. Suddenly I saw myself, as if I was sitting on the outside, looking in... and there I saw myself... this tiny fish, wiggling around, trying to reach the edge without success. I was just getting really frustrated when I woke up again... and at that point decided it's no use trying to go back to sleep.

3) I went to the gym this morning, and for the first time (despite my crappy night) my energy seems to have returned a bit. I was able to run a full 30 minutes on the treadmill without the feeling that I was going to fall off if I ran even one more step. Granted, I took it slow and easy, but I ran. Hooray for me.

4) Today I'm booking my room for my beach getaway the last week in February. I am happy to get away. More than anything I could really use some peace and quiet right now. I looked at pictures from last time I went to the same place. I decided to print some of them out and frame them, then put them up on our bathroom wall. I want to see them all the time, not just occasionally. They make me feel calm and peaceful. And as of tomorrow, they can do so every single day.

5) Homeschoolers are not always happy. They don't always think about what a great life they have. They don't always want to have their children around. They're human. And sometimes they want to dri,ve up to the neighborhood school and drop off their kids. Right now I am struggling, and I know I'll get past it, but for the moment I don't like it much. And I will take as much time as I need to figure it out and love it again. And I know I will. Give me a couple of weeks.

6) I feel like building a fort. A bed fort. Give me some blankets and pillows, and I'll build a fort, and then I'll hide inside all day and read a book or listen to some music, or take a nap, or write into my journal. Building forts is something everyone should do every now and then.

7) Break time... pick up and deliver children to their classrooms. Have a nice day.

So (yesterday) I bought a guitar...

... a slightly smallish, narrower than normal guitar with nylon strings. I've never played the guitar before. My entire life I was a piano player. But lately, every now and then, I've felt the urge to do something new... to feed my brain with new knowledge. My guitar is black with a white line around the edges. It is shaped just beautifully, and I can't take my hands off it.

I've been feeling a bit beside myself lately. With this guitar I brought a welcome change into my life. I sat down last night and learned to play a few chords. My finger tips hurt, but I didn't care.

This morning I decided to put my new knowledge to work and learn to play a song. Only recently did I discover Johnny Cash. Of course I knew his name. But when I heard him sing for the very first time a couple of months ago, his voice went straight to my heart. I love music, and admire every good singer, but his voice is different, so loaded with emotion and darkness. So I'm learning to play and sing this:

I'm almost obsessed... The laundry is sitting in a corner of my living room untouched. I have to play this song, over and over.

Thank you, Johnny Cash for finding me.

No beach, but burgers

Sometimes you can't plan ahead, and today was such a day. With a weather forecast of fog and 30% chance for rain, we decided not to go to the beach. If it had been just me, I would have gone, but with kids it just wasn't worth it.
But, and I'm excited about that. The last weekend in February will be my beach weekend. I'll go to my favorite little motel in Lincoln City (nope, not telling you where that is) and spend two days in complete and beautiful solitude.

We did go for a long walk at the Hoyt Arboretum in Portland though. Winter reveals a whole different beauty in the Pacific Northwest. You just have to look more carefully. Between Toothless Fairy and myself we shot some pretty good pictures which I will post soon.

And finally... and I almost forgot about that... I made it through two weeks of Paleo living. In the past two weeks we never went out to eat, because I rediscovered my joy for cooking. I love to cook! :) I'm still a little slow (hello carb flu), but feel great otherwise. I've lost some weight, but have no idea how much, and I don't care to know, because that's not what it's supposed to be about. The fact is, we have eaten some incredibly delicious meals. Tonight we had Bison burgers (and the bison, I'm proud to report did not come from a little styrofoam coffin as a friend liked to call it). I used almond flour instead of bread crumbs, and the result was out of this world delicious. Toothless Fairy decorated our plates with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and olives, and I placed the burgers onto a lovely bed of lettuce, then covered them with two strips of bacon.

Not only did this meal look appealing, it also tasted absolutely divine.
I know I've made the right decision to start the Paleo Lifestyle, and fortunately I have friends who are very supportive of me. Sweet!!

Going to the beach...

Tomorrow we're going to spend the day at the coast. It's one of those rare sunny weekends in Northwestern Oregon, and we have to make good use of it.

I love the Oregon coast more than any other coast I've ever been to. And believe me, when I say that I've been to a few. Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, Indian Ocean... I love them all. But there is no place like the Oregon coast. Wild and rugged. In November of 2007 I decided for the first time that I wanted to spend a weekend on the coast by myself. Can you even remotely imagine the luxury of spending an entire weekend without any obligations? Nobody calls you hundreds of times a day. No meals to prepare, no house to clean... It is pure bliss.

Had you asked me 10 years ago, what kind of beach I would prefer, I would have replied without hesitation, "Maldives". White sand, blue water (that you can sit in all day long with ever getting cold), palm trees... sounds romantic, doesn't it?

Well, things have changed a bit. I still like summers at the beach, but you don't know the beach until you go there in the winter, preferably on a dark and dreary day, with the clouds hanging low, and the waves crashing into the offshore rocks. If you ever want to feel one with nature, you have to go to the beach in the winter (of course, some people might disagree and prefer to go hunting in the forest or something crazy like that).
I always take lots of pictures at the beach. Sunsets of course, but also fog, birds, clouds. The picture at the top is by far my favorite. It illustrates beautifully what kind of day it was, and just how few people were ready to brave the weather. (I purposely focused on the man and faded the background a bit.) I think I got wet on every single walk during that weekend, because it always started raining on me. :) Oh, sure, I cursed like a sailor, but mainly because I didn't want my camera to get wet.

I never get tired of the beach and the big, powerful ocean. So tomorrow we're going to the small town, where I spent my first weekend away in 2007. And I'm thinking I will have to plan another one of those trips soon. March sounds great. I'll count on it to be cold and wet... It'll make for some wonderful pictures.

Procrastinator of Procrastinators...

Yep, that's me. I plan to write, then I write a little bit, then I quit. And I let it go for weeks and then for months... all the while I'm feeling guilty for procrastinating.
I have been told by people that I have a talent. When I get in the groove of writing fiction, things just flow. For goodness sake, I wrote a book, and still I am not done editing it. As a matter of fact, every time I get back to it I have to start over.

How does one stay motivated? How do you get into that place? I seem to have forgotten.

Do I need to tattoo a reminder on my forehead, so every time I look in the mirror I remember I have to write today?

Well, today is the day I'm feeling motivated, so today I will sit down and I will do productive things. Wish me luck. Or don't. :) Chuggaaa!!

Becoming a parent is easy (relatively)... being a parent... not so much

It all starts with the decision of two people that you can do this together. You can take on the responsibility for another human being together. You are under the impression, that as long as you love each other and work as a team you'll do just fine at this parenting thing. The production phase is fun. :) Duh! Pregnancy is... uh... not so much fun. Or maybe it is, but for me it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the first little kicks announcing that I did in fact share my body with another being.

And then you're a parent. And after the happy hormones wear off and you have to get up 5 times a night to comfort your crying, pooping bundle of... joy... reality hits you like a brick in the face.

It doesn't get easier, people. As a matter of fact, it gets much, much harder. But you love your kids, and you would do anything for them. They're your precious princes and princesses, and they deserve only the very best in life. So you decide to homeschool. And that, my friends, is where the trouble begins. Because now you have entered a whole new world with a whole new set of problems. First you know nothing about homeschooling, and you're overwhelmed and scared, and you ask, as anybody else the dreaded socialization question.

Then comes the all important question, what kind of homeschooler will you be? Of course all homeschoolers are very outspoken and passionate about THEIR way of homeschooling. You learn about eclectic, classical, Waldorf, and unschooling. And you stumble through them all, together with your children. You confuse them to no end, and they take it in stride... more or less.

But sometimes they don't, and they start acting funny, and now you're confused. As a parent you are never done. When you homeschool, you are always there, starting first thing in the morning, and you won't get a break until bedtime. And of course bedtime is right around your own bedtime, so you fall into your own bed at the end of the day, exhausted and drained.

I have two children living in my house. And lately things have not been going so well. There has been a lot of sarcasm and bitterness. Much bickering and fussing over nothing. I have no idea where this came from, but it wears me out.

I'm in a parenting class. Each term we read a parenting book and we try to analyze and figure out how our children tick. You'd think that after four books I'd be a professional. Shouldn't I be able to know exactly why my kids do certain things and how to handle them? Well, I don't. As a matter of fact, it seems that the more reading I do, the more I learn about parenting, the less I really understand my children. I found myself wrapping them in bubble wrap, treating them like they were the king and queen of the world. I think they truly believe that. And I think it's unhealthy, and it backfired big time.
The constant questioning of how this and that might make them feel did just one thing. It left me behind. I'm so worried about them, that I forgot to be myself, and to sometimes put myself first.

Being a parent doesn't mean that your children always, always have to come first. You are not a bad parent if you choose to come first every now and then.
When my son displayed signs of screen addiction I had to pull the emergency break. Something had to change. And that something wasn't something at all... it was someone! Me!

I have to relearn to follow my gut. I generally do well, when I follow my gut. Parenting should be no different. If I follow my gut, I know I will somehow do things better. I will be a better parent and a happier woman. No excuses necessary.

And that's where it gets difficult. I have wonderful friends, and I value them and love them. But I also feel like I'm being watched with eagle eyes. How does she handle that situation? They may not think much of it at all. Maybe that's just me and my own insecurities. Either way I have to stop worrying so much about what they may think of how I parent my children. Because in the end I have to decide, and I have to live with my children every day.

Happy Day, everyone. Enjoy your kids!

Once upon a time...

... I had a friend (let's call him Will). Will and I were BFFs. We were soulmates. We knew each other well, so well in fact, that one knew when the other had a problem or was sad... even over a long distance. Will was one of those amazing people you only meet once in a lifetime. Everything was just so very right. He accompanied me through my ups and downs, my joys and sorrows... and had we competed in who is the bigger cry baby, I think he might have won.

Will knew what I liked to drink and ordered for me without having to ask. He knew what music I liked, and which politician I gave my vote. He asked me for my opinion in big and little issues. And he asked for my advice and followed it too. :)

Will didn't think that my girl problems were silly, and he listened to me rant about this and that and another thing. He shared my love for "my mountain" and for the seasons. His favorite season was fall. Nothing was complicated with him... he was always kind and generous and good.

And then Will had to leave. He left my life as gently as he had entered. It was January. I felt like someone had scooped a big chunk right out of my heart. I was suddenly lonely and sad and wanted nothing more than to get him back. And yet, that was the one thing I couldn't have.

I miss him. And always will.

Week One is done...

Boy, it's been a ride. By Day 4 the brain fog clouded my mind and I said things like, "I have to go and get my car from the phone," without noticing what I had just said. Only the laughter of my friends made me stop in my tracks... and well, then join in on the laughter when they told me what I had said. :)

The headaches disappeared two days ago, just as suddenly as they had started. Poof! Gone! And it's a good thing, because there is not much that I hate more than nagging headaches, and I learned online that sometimes they can last a couple of weeks.

During this week I did a lot of research, and learned that there are plenty of ways to live a paleo life. Who knew!! I guess it's like the low carb diets. There is always someone who knows better than the original guy, and so we have a variety of low carb diets to choose from. Well, it appears that Dr. Cordain who wrote the initial book on the Paleo Diet (as of now I shall write Lifestyle instead of Diet) is a lot more easy going with what he'll allow you to eat, but he's also buying into the "Thou' shalt not eat saturated fat" laws of modern society. That makes his approach less than ideal for me, because I happen to have learned that saturated fats are quite good for ya. Go ahead google it. There is no evidence at all that saturated fats have any adverse effects on your health.

Of course then there is Mark Sisson's Daily Apple website. He wrote the ebook "The Primal Blueprint". His version of going primal is also not ideal, because his ten "commandment" include things like, "Don't run marathons, instead move slowly, because that's what the paleolithic people did too." I disagree with Mr. Sisson. While they may not have run every day... they "came" equipped with an achilles tendon, the one that only running animals are born with, and a ginormous gluteus maximus. They weren't as smart as homo erectus, and so did not have the kind of tools that homo erectus used to spear down mammoths, but they could run like hell. They could outrun animals, who were of course much faster than them, but who didn't last as long. (Learned from the book "Born to run".) And so after hours of being chased, the animal gave up, and paleo man was the triumphant victor. Hoorah!!

Be that as it may, I will have to make a few adjustments to my way of going paleo. Before workouts I have to load up on carbs without eating pasta (although I'll probably still do that before my races), and right after my workouts I'll have to eat some protein.

It's been just a week, but already I'm feeling more energized, somewhat slimmer, and most of the time I don't experience any cravings. As a matter fact, yesterday was the first day I really wanted something sweet to snack on. And because I'm a connected girl, I posted about it on Facebook, and instantly got plenty of support and suggestions. I ended up making almond butter balls. (Mix almond butter with coconut flakes and chia seeds, et voila, you have a delicious snack. You can mix in some maple syrup or honey, but I chose not to do that, as I really am trying to stay away from sugar altogether for now.)

Well, off I go. Breakfast is calling. Have a lovely weekend.

Going Paleo

Lately I have not been too thrilled about my eating habits. I would eat bread at least twice a day (it's just so convenient to quickly spread pb&j on it or make a sandwich). Of course, having grown up in Germany, bread is one of the most delicious, and, might I add major food groups. Even now, that I have been off bread for 4 days, even the word bread makes my mouth water. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Other things on my diet have been rice, pasta, oats (you name them, I have them), potatoes and more. And while this way of life worked just fine for me, when I was still a kid and running around in my village all day... recently I started feeling, well, somewhat out of shape, which is weird considering the many miles I run every week. I found myself dissatisfied, disillusioned, and I suffered from a loss of sleep among other bothersome symptoms. I'm 36 years old. I shouldn't feel that way, right?

I was introduced to the Paleo Diet briefly by my friend Shady Lady (forgive me for not posting the link. You all know her anyway.), who tried to live that lifestyle a while ago. As I listened to her talk about what was NOT allowed on this diet, I thought that maybe she had finally gone and lost her mind (okay, not really... but damn, no bread, no pasta??? The sacrifice was simply too much for me.)

And so I vegged on, accepting that I was just not deserving of a good night's sleep... and gave in to the fact that my waistline was an ever-expanding part of my body. After all, don't a lot of people have issues to keep their weight in check starting around my age? Perfect excuse, I thought. I quit all diets, and did affirmations. "You are beautiful and I love you just the way you are." was (and is) my daily mantra.

Only trouble is, the waistline was still expanding, and I was still feeling crappy, AND I started making more bad decisions when it came to eating whatever the heck I wanted. Sure, I was a runner, and for a while that was a good enough excuse to ward off any critical statements from my husband, who knew that sooner or later I would be unhappy about what I have become, but then something happened... and I'm so grateful for it.

My friend B, also a runner, and struggling with too much weight, turned into some kind of workout machine. She runs Sunday morning, plays soccer at night, goes to this Crossfit training (can you spell 200 sit ups, pull ups, push ups?), plays more soccer, runs even more during the week... Wow! What an amazing human being she is. I admired her, but didn't do a whole lot to change my own ways.

And then, last week, as I was browsing the self-help book section at the library (don't ask me how I even got there), painfully aware of my jeans rolling down under my little belly flap. I pulled out a low carb diet book and remembered that living the low carb life a few years ago (after Toothless Fairy's birth) really helped me lose a lot of weight. Of course back then I mostly did cardio workouts, and I'll admit it, I used Ephedra for a long period of time. Ah yes, the sins of my "youth".

I decided to give this low carb "thing" a try, and shall I say, I felt unbelievably miserable by Day 2. How can anyone survive on bacon and lettuce?? Sunday I went for an 8 mile run with my friend B, I told her about my miserable existence, and she said, "I'm on Day 8 of the Paleo Diet, my cravings are gone, and I feel great." Uhm... yeah? Do tell, dear friend. (Sorry Shady Lady, I should have listened to you, way back when...) And so B told me all about how everything has changed for her, how she feels great (how she's lost 5lbs! in a week), and how she thinks this is the way to live.

Alright, fine... I must know more about this Paleo Diet now. When I got home, I didn't waste any time. I googled and found what I was looking for. The Paleo Diet is based on the paleolithic time, when our very distant ancestors hunted and gathered.

This time, with a new attitude, I did not look at what was NOT allowed on the diet. Instead I focused on all the things that I actually AM allowed to eat. Lean meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries etc... Nothing like my Dr. A. low-carb book. Of course it still means no grains, no pasta, no refined sugars, no starchy vegetables, no dairy (which is just fine by me, because I realized recently that milk products gave me stomach aches). Of course I will admit, that I dearly miss bread. I love bread!! But the fact is, that even less than a week into this new lifestyle, I feel so much better. I have not made any bad decisions. I am not reaching for the chocolate in the late afternoon, because my stomach is still satisfied and happy from my spinach salad lunch with chicken and avocados (YUM!).

I should add that I'm not doing this to simply lose weight and then go back to my old habits. I know this would backfire terribly and leave me frustrated and sad and feeling like a failure. No, I'm doing this because I want to help my body get into shape (this doesn't have to include weight loss, even though it will be a welcome side effect!). I'm doing this, because, as I age things will not get any easier, and I would like to be healthy now, so I can stay healthy later. I want to be that 92 year old woman who runs marathons (I still can't get over her!!).

Will I never ever eat another piece of cake... or a bowl of delicious pasta... or a slice of bread with peanut butter and jam? Well, duh! Of course I will. Someday, when I don't have to worry that this will turn into a bad habit again. For now I'm doing just fine with my caveman diet. And I will keep posting on this blog about the changes that will be happening soon. :)

Is it really 2011?

I swear, I have no idea how this happened yet again. Another year passed me by, and I didn't even realize it until, oh, Decmeber 31st!! If I keep living like this, before I know it I'll be old and wrinkly, looking back on my life, and wondering what the hell happened.

Of course as I'm looking back, I can tell you exactly what happened. Life. All of it... homeschooling, mothering, running, a little bit of writing, and not enough de-cluttering. Same old, same old. By September I flushed my resolutions down the drain, and came to the ever intelligent conclusion that it quite simply didn't matter, what my resolutions were. I don't have time for them. I don't want them. They have the tendency to make me look and feel like a failure. And I know I'm not. I'm a busy woman with a somewhat cluttered life. So bring on 2011. I'm ready. No resolutions whatsoever.

Well, almost. I do want to run the Portland Marathon this year, after reading that a 92 year old woman in Hawaii finished one. No more excuses for me now. If this woman can do, then I can do it too. Thank you, Ma'am. I hope you live for a very long time and finish many more marathons.

My other goal... and this is not a resolution for 2011 but more of a life goal: love myself, like myself, appreciate myself just the way I am. No changes needed. Just growth, because we all do want to keep growing, right?

Everything else will fall into place. Happy New Year, everyone.