Always question authority

Last night we held another secular parenting discussion group at our house. We use Dale McGowan's Parenting Beyond Belief, an excellent read for parents who strive to raise their children without the influence and indoctrination of religion.

One of the essayists in the book explained that he and his daughter had two rules in their family: 1) Always question authority. 2) When in doubt refer to rule #1.

Ogre was the first to admit how difficult it was to live by this rule, when he himself grew up in a household where Dad made the rules, and you obeyed the rules, or else... My own parents were a little more relaxed about the rules. They could be stretched and even challenged by us kids in some occasions. But if they were set, then my dad used threats to ensure we understood just how serious he was about the rule.

Not surprisingly I went out and drank and smoked and spent all my allowance on crap, because those were the strictest rules, and I was threatened that I would be thrown out of the house if I was ever caught with a cigarette. Needless to say I was never thrown out... because my parents never found out.

Ogre and I are both trying very hard to raise our children to think for themselves rather than to blindly follow whatever rules and restrictions we impose on them. Rules are never established without explanation, and "because I said so" is a phrase we try to avoid, even though we are both guilty of using it occasionally.

Ideally, by the time my children are teenagers, we can have heated debates conversations with our children, where both us as parents and they as children have a say, and where we reach conclusions and agreements that are acceptable (and lawful) for all. We work in this already, and most of the time the children are appreciative, and some of the time they will blow up, throw a tantrum and contemplate their terrible lives.

The fact is that children know instinctively (in most cases) what is reasonable. And if they don't, they will learn. It's a process, and we're here to help them, not to slow them down, not to limit them. I do hope that I can come out on the other side of child rearing and give myself a pat on the shoulder and say "Mission accomplished"... with bumps and bruises. :)