we should really do this more often, said my friend to me, when we said good bye after a 45 minute conversation. We live far apart, and we don't talk often. When I hung up the phone and thought about the conversation we'd had, I noticed, once again, that it really was good for her to talk to me again. She got to do all the talking she needed to. She poured her guts out to me, told me the story of her life, her trials and tribulations of motherhood, marriage, and little maladies she is suffering from... and I listened... just as always, when we talk. It's not the first time, that I'm left wondering, what this friendship does for me, and why I am keeping it alive.
Okay, well, I guess it's not THAT easy to end a friendship, when you keep receiving phone calls. ;)
The fact is, I am a big believer in friendship, long lasting friendship... but I also feel that there is a time for everything and everyone. Friendship is one of those things, that might last for life, but it might not. When you realize, that you don't get anything out of it anymore, wouldn't it be right and fair to say so? Now if only there wasn't this thing called guilt. And beside guilt there is the past... the many years we have known each other.
Number 1... do you simply tell this person who still takes you for granted, who still wants your friendship, and who obviously still needs your friendship, that you are no longer interested, that you can no longer invest emotions into this friendship, that has not given anything, but continuously takes your time and energy? Number 2... do you throw a thing away, that has lasted for so long, knowing you'll tear down yet another bridge to your younger days, your youth, your past, to live in the here and now? (This sounds awfully dramatic, I realize, and at barely 35 I don't think of myself as old.)
I am torn. I feel like this person needs me, if just to unload her "garbage" on me, if just to know, that I'm listening. She has never followed my advice. She has never reported back to me, after asking me for what to do. She doesn't want my help. She simply needs to spill her guts. She has never moved on. With my move to the States I have started over, have created a new life, and I know I'm ready to let her go. But I know, that she has not started over. She is still in her old life, with all the same people, and with me as a steady pillar to lean on. Do I have a responsibility?
The way things are going, we will still have the same conversations about the same things in 10 and 20 and 30 years. I guess it's just a small sacrifice in the bigger picture. I should be happy and grateful for all the other things I have in my life, and for the friends who are as important to me, as I seem to be to her. I guess, I just answered my own question.